Wow, it’s been a good.. 3 weeks since my last personal posting. It’s not that I haven’t been thinking about anything, it’s that I’ve kind of exhausted my thoughts. Kind of thing. If that makes any sense. Like, before, I was a confused wreck. I still am, but I’m less of a wreck than I was a couple of weeks ago. Like, I think I wrote the last post after a long conversation with Kirsty and since then, I haven’t really felt the need to go and write anything. Like right now, I’m kind of having a hard time trying to think what to write. I’ll just blabble some shit until I find something to talk about for a while.

I dunno, it feels as though my site has slowly either, stop being read, or just stopped being commented on. Like, I’ve still got a huge number of requests, but there haven’t been any comments made anywhere. Maybe people aren’t finding anything really to comment on? Of course, I never think that, I think that people just aren’t reading my site anymore. Which kind of is the reason why I feel I haven’t written anything for a while. Like, I’ve kind of got a whole bunch of shit to talk about, but if I’ve got a whole bunch of shit to talk about that people aren’t reading, what’s the point? Like for the past couple of sundays have involved just heading out, not with plans to go out and get absolutely plastered, or drunk, or take drugs (although, that part’s kind of the reason why it’s happened) and I haven’t regretted it either. Like, a couple of sundays ago, originally I was just going to head over to the casino to meet Craig for a couple of drinks. Before that, I was lying in bed reading. Then, I was getting Talyea and Kirsty and we were driving into the casino for some drinks with Craig. Actually, this isn’t really a good example of what I’m talking about.. Damnit. I hate that. Well, it did end up Kirsty, Talyea and myself sitting in my car dribbling shit. Regardless, that involved being out on a sunday which I haven’t done for a while. Back to what I was saying before, I think the first time that I went out sunday afternoon and did bugger all was a sunday before that when Jodie and Kirsty were still going around sunday afternoon and we headed off to the beach.

Afternoons like that are so good. Like, we weren’t doing any specific, it was a case of just sitting around dribbling shit. As much as it may sound like it was incredibly boring and that we were just sitting around doing nothing, it was quite the opposite. Then, last sunday, I got a message saying I should head down to S-dubs because Kirsty and Jodie wanted to talk more shit. That sunday involved conversations spanning the whole night. It was just.. peaceful to sit around and talk. Most of the time, talking is limited by who I’m around, but as Jodie and Kirsty said that night, it was a case of there is nothing to hide. Which is awesome. Hiding things always suck. It’s always too hard, and you put more effort into hiding it than it would take to just say something and be over it. Fair enough, things like that may be drugged induced, but who cares? Well.. I kind of do, but you know what I mean. It’s still the same thoughts, they are just less restricted in the thought process. Like, I’ll have a hard time trying to think of anything to say, but if I’m asked something, or conversation is started by someone else, I can generally continue it on. Much like this post. At the start of it, I kind of didn’t know what the fuck I was going to write, but right now I’ve got a whole shitload of crap to write about and that’s only because I tried to think of something else to write, and as usual, I’ve gone off on my tangents. It’s almost like I’ve got ADD, but not at the same time. I just can’t keep my concentration on one thing without being completely taken-a-back by something else. Generally, when we’re sitting there and it’s “my turn” to say something, I don’t know whether I should say anything mean or not. I kind of feel bad for not saying it, but I’d feel pretty bad for saying it aswell. Like, I probably shouldn’t worry about it being repeated anywhere, but it’s always the case of someone knowing. Again, I shouldn’t worry, but I do anyway. Next time will be different :-P

It’s just so random what people will say too. It’s also odd how many people say things to people and have it repeated. Like, last saturday. I had absolutely no idea what I was going to be doing that night, but I just didn’t want to be around anyone that was going to just be annoying. I kind of wanted to dribble more shit, but I didn’t have anyone there to talk to. I ended up getting chips, heading to the cliffs near cullen bay and recording myself talk. Yeah, I was sitting on my boot, half eating chips (I felt like absolute shit because I was being incredibly rude to Kirsty the night before) and just talking to myself. Sitting there and listening to the ocean, I was saying (effectively) a post I should have written down and posted. Kind of, but I was repeating a whole lot of shit I’ve said before, so it probably wouldn’t have been anything new, I was just looking at things differently. It would have been nice to have reponse to things I said. After that I headed over to East point where I had seen someone the week before sitting down and reading in the exact place where I sat down. When I first saw this person, I thought, wtf, why would you sit there in the quiet reading a book? Well, I spent the whole week festering over what had happened that sunday where we went out to town. Actually, I think I spent the following days what I had done. It was odd. Like, when Kirsty got out of the car, she didn’t look me in the eye. Instantly, I felt like I had done something wrong. No idea what but. Anyway, I spent the week thinking what give that person the thought of just sitting down and reading there. Well, friday night/saturday morning I instantly felt why she was sitting there. It was peaceful. She was sitting down there not because it was quiet, and probably wouldn’t be disturbed, but it was the easiest place to completely clear your head of thoughts.

Did it work? Slightly. I spent around 2 hours reading down there. I also burnt my metaphor for myself and who I was (you know that little cap thing I had on saturday? Well, I felt that kind of felt like something, and I might have felt better after burning it.) While there though, I was interrupted by Terry ringing like 5 different times, which I was expecting. And you know what the annoying this was? Earlier in the day, Daryl had rung asking what was going on that night. Well fuck hey, no idea, I’m not really doing anything. Then he had apparently got sick of my shit and did something else. What the crap. Mind you, this was coming from Terry, so I dunno. But I mean, shit hey, the only night where I had no idea what I was going to do, other than be by myself for a couple of hours not at home, instantly I’ve got a problem and it’s too complicated to deal with. Maybe I just got sick of people? Who knows, I just wanted to sit down and do nothing, which I accomplished. What’s worse was Nick on friday night. Whenever he’s drunk, he gets all touchy feeling and annoying. Lately, I’ve kind of been unable to handle most people incredibly drunk. And well, he kind of ditched staying with Craig and myself while we headed to Robert’s, instead he stayed down at the beach to be with his little kids. Not to sound mean or anything like that, but I wasn’t really ready to give him a lift home. If he’s going to stay down there with those guys, then he can get a lift from them aswell. Well, the last time we were down there, when the party was being broken up by the police, I was expecting a phone call from him. Lo and behold, there he was ringing me finding out where I was. Although I didn’t give him any indication that I was down at the beach, he did end up finding me and Craig.

Any other time I probably would have given him a lift, if I had of stayed down there and partied on down there (which I probably wouldn’t have been able to) I could barely stay down with Nat and their little party that they had. I just.. don’t like hanging around people like that. Like the other weekend when I saw Litsa out, she was blind drunk and only 15 minutes before trying to mount my leg, she was down on the dancefloor making out with Daryl. As I said, I’m starting to find it hard trying to make conversation or talk to people that are too far drunk. There are a few people I can talk to that drunk, but not many. Anyway. She was saying something along the lines of “if you want to hook up with anyone, tell me. I’ll set you up.” Well, maybe I don’t want you to? Maybe I think I’m doing fine as it is? And she wouldn’t get the hint that I just didn’t want to talk to her. Honestly, I just didn’t want to be there talking to her, and I wasn’t too fazed half an hour later when Martin and I were sitting down and Martin said to me: “Hey, isn’t that ‘Poppy’ crying over there?” (Pointing at Litsa.) Shit, I was planning on heading to bed early, but it’s all starting to pour out now. I can tell you right now, it’s getting messy. Anyway, the past couple of weeks (and if you read this, take it as advice) I’ve noticed someone constantly staring at me (not you Kirsty, I wouldn’t care if you were ) and it’s just creepy. I think I was dancing with Jodie and I noticed, and continued to notice for another 5 minutes. It just got to the point where I couldn’t be there any more and I had to leave. (If you really want to know who I’m talking about and you have no idea, message me and I’ll probably respond.)

Shit. That feeling has suddenly gone away. But. Have I gone about things the right way? And how am I doing.