Ok, so I haven’t written one of these for a while, well, at least a whole week since my last outburst I suppose. Right now, I should be sleeping because 1) my back hurts and 2) I’ve got to get up around 6 later on this morning so I can go to work. I don’t really like having to get up early, it’s the biggest pain in my ass. I suppose, if I don’t have to work at night, I’ll be able to chat to people and let them watch me on my webcam. Which I might add, is neat and I’m having so much fun playing with it. Next thing I need to do, is um.. oh, have people sit there and talk to me while they watch me! I had so much fun sunday night with Kirsty watching me, more fun when I start to forget people are watching me though. After a while, I kind of forget that I’ve got my camera running. Considering I’ll get comfortable and stick my legs up on my desk, I don’t think people will want to see straight down my shorts, especially if that’s the first thing they see. I kind of want to make use of my webcam, I mean, that was the whole reason why I bought it wasn’t it? I wanted to have people watching me. Well, that sounds incredibly creepy and erotically driven, it’s not. It’s rather entertaining for both myself and watcher if they watch what I do.

I feel I’m starting to drift away from many people yet again. I’ve become what I was way back in high school, slightly sheltered, but whenever I’m out with my friends I’ll have a good time. It could quite possibly be because I have no way of getting around, and most times whenever I try to organise something, most people don’t want to be doing anything, or they have no way of getting around in the first place. I think the last time that I did that involved Nick, Craig, or Terry was probably well over 3 weeks ago. Wow, when did I crash my car? Shit, three weeks ago. I’m not being sadistic or anything like that, that’s just the way that I’m seeing things. Although, recently, I’m unsure whether what I’m seeing is what is really happening. Ever get that feeling, you think one thing, hope for another, but realise that it’s something else and you find this out later on? A few things have been happening lately that I think one thing, but it’s really another. I’ll try and elaborate as much as I can. Actually, fuck it, I’ll just put an incredibly difficult password on it. (Well, that depends on how I feel after I write this part, and I pray to god that no one takes offence to what I write.)

Even considering what I’ve put the title of this as, I’ll still be as vague as possible, but give mostly enough information so people can work it out for themselves (it’s always better that way, isn’t it?) Saturday night was kind of my kicker. Yeah, it kicked me right in the balls. After what happened thursday night, saturday night picked me up by my testicles, stepped on them a few times and threw me away like a little ragdoll. I was confused thursday, I’ll tell you that. I was told by Nick AND Daryl that I was the focus of the attention that night. No one else, apart for a couple of times here and there. Confused, yes? I mean, if there wasn’t the whole boyfriend part, I wouldn’t be so cautious. Maybe I’m just seeing something that isn’t quite there? I dunno, honestly, I’d like to be able to see what I’m seeing as something that isn’t lying to me. I mean, she wasn’t really focusing on myself per say, but considering she had her back to most people there, and kind of kept up with myself.. ARGH! Saturday. Shit. Don’t talk to me about saturday. Probably both the worst and best night I’ve had in a while. You know how you have those nights that slowly start to turn awesome because of the people you see? Then at the same time, it turns shit the more you see different people? Well, saturday was like that.

I was saying that saturday kicked me in the balls. In actual fact, it kicked me a couple of times really hard in the ‘nads, once near the start of the night, then again (albeit harder, just a different part of myself) at the end of the night. The first one, also involves the lady from thursday night, although it wasn’t the same as what happened on thursday night. Again, I was told by someone else other than myself that I shouldn’t worry, but again, regardless of what state I was in, I declined. I mean, I got to where I knew I was going to meet people, and I was greeted with the longest, tightest (heh, that sounds kind of pedophilac) hug I’d had in a long while. After that, she was by my side for a long while, chatting to me. From just watching, I never see that kind of attention to other people that same night. Maybe again, I’m making shit up in my head to make myself feel better (although, it’s kind of making me feel like shit at the same time considering I’ve got no way of fixing the situation.) I constantly feel so much happy when things like that happen, they normally kickstart my night, and indeed they did. Grasping! Grasping!

The second kick (well, there was another kick when I did see her for the rest of the night, but that’s kind of something else) was at the end of the night. I don’t know what I had done wrong, but no one was really talking to me. Fair enough, you can’t talk while dancing, but.. I dunno. Then, I wandered out at the end of the night, because I had no friends otherwise (I had no idea where the fuck people were, they just disappeared) and I’m standing out the front where people could see me in an effort to find a way home. Sure enough, I see everyone standing over the otherside of the road. I don’t know why I didn’t walk over there when I had see them, but I felt like I had done something wrong from earlier on in the night. So I kind of waited around, hoping I’d get a phone call or something asking whether I needed a lift, or how I was getting home. Nothing like that came. Right then, I felt low as shit. Shit smeared in a grave 6 feet below. Then covered up and plastered in concrete. Ok I thought, I’ll wandered over to Maccas hoping I’d eventually get a phone call. Nothing. Well, by then, I had found Jeremy and we were walking along to go and get Daniel. So far, I had already started to get angry because I felt left out. Yah, I was acting like it was way back in high school and I wasn’t picked for anyone’s team. Again, I’m left alone when normally, if I was there (with a car mind you) I’d try and round up as many people as I could to see if they can get home, like little lost cattle. But walking along the street, I was angry that I knew I didn’t belong anywhere. I had no friends. Right then, I was by myself. Sure, I had Jeremy, but he had a house to crash home at, and I told Daniel I’d make sure he made it to work that day (because, that’s what friends do, right?)

Well, after getting Daniel, I knew I had broken a promise. I had no way of getting home. Nor did Daniel. At that point, I didn’t care about what was going to happen to myself, because I had indeed failed. I hate failing, in anything. School, relationships (how can you fail in something you’ve never started?), and just life in general. I wasn’t mad at anyone but myself, and those who I thought would be able to pull through because I had no way of getting home. How many times have I been in town with a car, and managed to end up driving some random home because they knew one of the 6 people sitting in my car? I did it because I knew if I was in town, and I needed a lift, it’d be a godsend to have someone drive me home. Trust me, it is. But no. Maybe no one drove in? But how was everyone else getting home? I don’t know. By then, I was more angry drunk than I had ever been before. We eventually walked off, like I said in Struggle I then broke open a Jeep’s window (even though it was just plastic) I wasn’t too fussed about the consequences, because I had no friends, no one to worry about me. Walking further, only made me more pissed off. I continued festering over my lack of faith in people when Jeremy and I happened to head over to the Italian shop part opposite the Tap. Well, that’s where I became destructive again. First I grabbed a fan and proceeded to try and break it off, Jeremy joined in and did the same with the following one. I then tried my hardest to expell any anger on the fan, where I then bent two of the three blades and managed to slice my finger open. At that point, I didn’t feel any of the pain, I just knew it didn’t hurt as much as being left where I was.

Great, I now sound like those guys who I write about while in town. Yeah, the angry, destructive types. But honestly, could you blame me? It’s quite possible I blew it right out of proportion, but I felt like shit sunday. Which is the whole reason why I didn’t end up getting my entry done until around 2 in the morning. Before that though, I was talking to Kirsty, who didn’t seem to harbour any kind of feelings in regards to the previous night. Confused again? Like I said, maybe I was just seeing something that my mind decided to tell me. Maybe I was just seeing people’s reactions and processing them as though I had done something horribly, horribly wrong and that I shouldn’t be spoken to again for the rest of the night (which that felt like anyway, so it kind of emphasized my dreams.) I seriously hope not.

I could talk about a couple of other things, but I’ll leave them until I think them through further.

You need something warm to embrace, to put a smile on your face.